I feel like I have a post to write...

...but it just hasn't come out yet.

You know that feeling when you've been sick for weeks and you are just wondering when you are finally going to get over it, and one day, there is that moment when you think, "hey, am I getting better? Is this it?" And maybe there will be some backsliding, but you know that was the day you finally began to get over whatever crap you caught in the first place.

I feel like, after almost a year, I've finally had that day. I was walking the fields yesterday, trying to figure out what I should pay to have mown by the neighbors and what I should just let return to brush and forest. I was checking for ruts and bumps and dangers that might not be as easy to see once there is eight inches of grass growing across the hillsides. I was watching for curious evening deer and avoiding the occasional mucky spot.

Suddenly it occurred to me that I had not been thinking of my "ex" at all. And yes, indeed, I think of him all the time. This deep furious burning anger that is there constantly, hiding an even deeper grief for the loss of a person who didn't exist. It's a poison that contaminates every moment of my life. But while I was walking my fields, it was just plain gone.

And it was really like getting over an illness. You know that moment when you are so happy that you can finally BREATHE? Or that the headache has finally gone away?

It's like that. I could finally breathe.

I hope I have more moments like that.

Getting there

I had the astonishing experience of getting like, almost everything done.

Well, not precisely. But everything I thought of doing, I had time to do. And I did it, rather than obsessing over it. It seems like every day, there is a little less to do, rather than a little more.

I even had time to go for a walk up to the cabin, and sit in the Adirondack chair at the top of their field and watch the sunset.

And watch The Daily Show in bed. :)

I did more than one post on the Wildrun blog...

So that counts for one post here. :) Right?

Okay, okay, I'll post something.

My system, I believe, is slowly going into shock over three warm semi-sunny days in a row, with the possibility of another tomorrow. I got my recycling out before dark (gasp) and my dishes are done before bedtime. AND I scooped the cat boxes in the house. The cat facility cat boxes get scooped twice a day, but my poor house cats sometimes end up giving me the hairy eyeball because I've forgotten them. I haven't yet cleaned the fish tank yet. I did get Linda's check in the mail. I didn't get a thank-you note written today, but I did paint my front door (one home-improvement done each day---check!). I even washed my kitchen garbage can and did three loads of cat laundry.

Ah, and Lynn from work just IM'd me to say GO TO BED!

So I'm going. Good night!

Remember how I promised a blog post every day?

Here it is. Goodnight! :)

Spring cleaning; spring errands.

Having a sick cat sort of changed my priorities this week, and my "make a list and follow it faithfully" plan went by the wayside. This weekend I'm playing catchup, and with the warm weather and bright sun, it enjoyable rather than a chore. I'll keep a running list today:

Got up, washed my head, threw on clothes, and zipped over to Waverly with a Kuranda bed and a big stuffed dog for the pancake breakfast (and Kuranda bed drive). Debra was already there and the place was filling up quickly.

I then realized I'd forgotten my wallet.
Drove home; got wallet.
Picked up Pretty Girl's mom and had a wonderful breakfast.
Zipped home and took care of the cats.
Roared to Ithaca and just made it to the Cornell vet pharmacy to fill a prescription.
Stopped at Treeforms and bought some old fashioned stick candy.
Drove leisurely to fellow cat-fixer Susan's house (yes, another Susan).
Helped her get a stubborn cat into a carrier so she could return him to his home.
Susan offered cat food. Loaded up nine big bags and other goodies. YAY!
Stopped at Verizon to reactivate Mark's old cellphone, as mine died.
(Yes, friends, this means I have yet another cell phone number)
Fed the Fast Food Ferals
Stopped at Home Depot for glue and white duct tape.
Came to a screeching halt at Eddydale. PANSIES!!!!! Bought a whole flat.
Arrived home.
Opened windows. The cats love me now.
Turned on the outside water.
Fed cats.
Dumped cat boxes.
Washed cat boxes.
Mopped the kitchen.
Mopped cat box room floor.
Loaded dishwasher, and washed pots and pans.
Dumped the ashes and cleaned the woodstove.
Spent about an hour staining the outside of the barn.
Sat on the porch in the sun with Bear and tall glass of ice water.
Gave my roses one last sniff, hung them up to dry, and washed the vase.
Cranked the stereo in the great room.
Bleached the Brita pitcher.
Filled water containers for hauling water out the cat facility.
Filled the bird feeders. The chickadees thank me.
Got out the Goo Gone and went at the old bumpersticker marks on the truck's tailgate
Cleaned the truck, put on the magnetic signs, and covered the rust holes with white duct tape. (Duct tape. The non-mechanic's Bondo!)
Emptied and washed the UPSTAIRS cat boxes
Went up to the garden and assessed the fences with Bear.
Hauled bags of cat litter down to the cans by the barn.
Took the Christmas garland off the weathervane and the Christmas wreath off the neck of the Frankengoose.
Hauled wood inside.
Fed the fish
Dumped and washed one cat box in the cat facility.
Hauled the cat food out of the truck into the cat facility. Gave cats some wonderful Science Diet kibble. Cleaned the downstairs cages. Arthur (the new male cat) is a hoot!
(7:30 pm and it's finally getting dark. I'm loving the time change!)
Drove to Spencer to get some groceries and gas.
Went out and took care of the upstairs cats.
Remembered to put the flat of pansies in the barn so they won't freeze tonight.
Petted Faith (Hope's mom), and got a headbutt! Whoo hoo! Faith is tame!
Unpacked the groceries
Lit all the candles in the house
Called mom and made tacos while talking to her. I know, rude as hell.
Shared the rest of the shredded chedder with the cats.
Built a fire.
Picked up the uneaten bits of shredded cheddar cheese
Unloaded the dishwasher
Hand washed the dinner dishes
Dumped all the cat water bowls and refilled them.
Found a canning jar for my old fashioned stick candy.
Looked for the phone message I took from Linda last night. Can't find it. &*%##&!!!
Started a load of laundry
Wrote out a card and family stuff for Linda. Called, got vm.
Put on my "I'm getting old" glasses and fixed a chip in a bowl
Cleaned the bathroom while the tea is steeping.
Fussed over Cricket.
Tea and newspaper.
Nap.....
(Post note, "Nap" became "bed"....)






To be continued. There's no reason for anyone to read this post. I'm just writing it for my own sense of accomplishment.

Getting life in order

It has become clear that 24 hours in a day is simply not enough. Or, perhaps it could be, if I didn't pause to wait seconds thinking "What do I do next?"

So I'm making a list. Yes, indeed, I'm plotting every moment of my day. I figure it will take two weeks to work the bugs out (and new kitties have already thrown a wrench in the works--argh!), but this morning for example, I've already gotten thank-you notes written (one EVERY day), blogged (EVERY day), done one thing I promised to do (helped publicize Stray Haven pancake breakfast), and done some work for, well, Work. I'm now headed out to the cat facility, and will throw a load of laundry in before I go.

I have a daily checklist of things I have to do every single day, from morning to night (including my tasks for my job)and then a list of evening things to do for each night of the week.

It's pretty sad to have to have a checklist to get everything done. I mean, should I really need to be reminded to "Bring in three loads of wood" and to tell myself "Monday evening, recycling; Tuesday evening, clean fish tank?" I'm hoping I won't need it for more than the summer, and then things will be under control and the routine will be ingrained.

However, I really need to get to a point in my life where, for example, the fish tank is cleaned every week and always looks nice, rather than only getting cleaned when it looks like it needs it (or a week after I notice it looks like it needs it).

100% of my anxiety is just thinking about things I haven't gotten done. If I get most things done---less anxiety, right? Sounds good to me!

"Thank God I'm single"

I said it for the first time two days ago, and I actually meant it. I was driving in the darkness, listening to a country-music show (funny, I envisioned her as a brunette, and older) and the host was talking to a teenager who was in angst about a guy she'd been friends with for six years, whom she had feelings for (more than friends), but whom had a girlfriend. It was so sweet, plaintive, and painful, that it took you right back to your own high school emotional traumas, and I laughed in sympathy and without thinking, said it right out loud:

"Thank God I'm single."

And I do have to say that there are a lot of benefits to singlehood, in general. I was chatting with my mother last night about Easter, and it occurred to me I no longer have to worry about whether my partner is bored and wants to leave the gathering. I can just enjoy my family and stay or leave as I wish. Decisions are made simply. Even the best and most thoughtful partner deserves to have their feelings taken into consideration. Being single cuts the decision-making process down to the simplest form. "Yes, I can go" or "No, I can't." There is no "I'll have to check." I won't have to try and steer conversations to topics my partner might enjoy in an attempt to prevent them from being bored. I can just let other people be other people, and enjoy their presence.

There is also an emotional freedom. It's a selfish freedom, but a real one. I've been asked on dates, but frankly, I've said no, because the last thing I need right now is to engage in that "Gosh I like him; Gosh I don't; Gosh how do I tell him; Gosh I think this guy's a stalker" game that comes with dating.

Just not interested, ya know? Of course, not yet being legally separated has a lot to do with it, too. There's just something creepy about dating another person when you don't yet have the piece of paper that says you are on your way to Divorce.

I was joking with my mother about how surprisingly wonderful it has been to set up the house the way I wish, and we both agreed that bringing another human into our own spaces now would be difficult to impossible. Luckily, I have a big house, and I joked that I could give the Next Guy the upstairs to fix up as he wished, I'd have the downstairs, and we could just visit one another's domains. Never again am I going to be frozen by trying to figure out what "someone else might like" and ending up with something both of us aren't happy with.

Being single again makes you look back on marriage and realize how you could have been a better partner, and realize as well that, despite all the pain, there's something to be said for a second chance.