Online therapy. And snow.

The back of my house has a floodlight that I turn on when the snow is falling, so I can watch it pile up. I have recently added a bird feeder, which makes the birds, the watching cats, and myself, even happier. And recently, squirrels.

I digress. Anyway, I'm watching the snow come tumbling down.

I suppose nobody will find it surprising that I headed off to counseling when I discovered my marriage had become a non-marriage. It actually was a surprise to me. I'd always thought I was the kind of person who would never share my feelings with a total stranger, but a huge black hole opened up when my husband left, and I needed to fill it with something--anything--damned fast.

The first counselor was nice enough, and I really needed the ritual of going somewhere every Wednesday to talk. But frankly, I got tired of talking about how I felt. I wanted answers or--if not answers--then some steps to understand what had happened and for getting myself back on track. This particular counselor was more of a listener. I wanted someone to say "think about addressing XYZ this week, and let's talk about it next week." I also needed feedback on his actions, not just my own, and the counselor was interestingly quiet on the topic of why spouses might do what they do. There came a point where my friends were more helpful than the counselor, and it was time to move on.

I then did the life coach/job coach thing which was also extremely helpful keeping me going from day-to-day, but did not address putting relationship ghosts to rest.

So what's a girl to do? Google, of course.

I found the web page of a family therapist, Vikki Stark, who specifically is researching situations where one spouse walks out of a relationship without warning. I was lucky enough that I actually stumbled across it only a few months before she decided to hold a multi-week web therapy gathering for left-behind spouses. So for the past four weeks, I've been logging in on Thursdays for online group therapy that is hard to describe.

First, it was incredibly helpful to hear from other women. You went into a room to talk, and finally it wasn't all about you. It was a good way to step outside your own problems, while still working on them. And none of these people were your neighbors. You weren't going to bump into them on the street. In fact, most were from other countries. So you could say what you thought and felt, without wondering if it might get repeated at the local book club.

Secondly, the therapist had to be the active mediator. My first counselor was all about letting me talk and interjecting generalities now and then. I really didn't feel like I was getting the benefit of her expertise. Because this new experience was on screen (think PowerPoint-type structure, but graceful and minimal) and over the phone, it wasn't going to succeed unless the therapist was active about encouraging people to talk, giving them something to talk ABOUT, and pulling it all together to some positive resolution. Which she did.

Thirdly, she was all about providing steps and tools to acknowledge what had happened, what was happening, and how one might move on (realizing that it there would be ups and downs along the way). And getting us to share what we ourselves had found that helped us each on our own road.

There were four sessions, and at the end of the last session tonight, it was difficult to hang up realizing I would probably never talk to those women again. Of course, we hadn't really gotten to know one another well, but nonetheless you'd heard their stories and shared their experiences for a full month and it was tough to leave them behind, wondering how they would be in a year, two, or three.

Vikki is publishing a book, otherwise I would go into more detail about the help she offered. Also, I'm not posting the direct link because there are quite a few people who read this blog who know and love my husband (we all have the power to Google on our own if we wish). However, I thought I'd post where I've found I am, now, in her seven steps:

5. Give up trying to get the acknowledgment and apology that you deserve

6. Turn your focus from the past to the future

Number 5 was a big deal for me. I can't begin to describe what it's like to be told you have to give up loving a person when you don't understand why you are being forced to do so. But discovering that it's a common denominator that most spouses deal with in this type of break-up is incredibly freeing. OK. Let it go. There will be no answers, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. So stop giving the desire for answers power over your life.

It was rather poignant to have this last session fall on the launch of the holiday season. There was a rather wistful feel to the final session that hadn't been there in the past three. Whether it was because of the holidays, or knowing it was the last gathering, I'm not sure.

I am glad it is snowing. I need snow right now.

I'll miss my new friends, and I want to thank them for all they had to offer and to wish them well. And thanks to Vikki for her sessions that, frankly, may be soul-saving.