The lesson of the morning walk

Pre-post declaration for the benefit of family and friends: this is NOT a post of angst. Merely one of reflection.

One of the benefits of having a young dog is being forced to go for hikes. The dog technically can poop in the yard, but without regular exercise, they turn into little bundles of frustration and non-compliance. A happy dog is a tired dog.

Sadie was Mark's dog. When we were in West Danby, we had a fenced yard, and regularly scheduled walks weren't required. When we moved to Spencer, there was no fence, just a long quiet country road. So Mark took Sadie for a walk, every morning.

Now that I am walking Molly, it has been a beautiful revelation to see the seasons unfolding. Every day there is a new flower blooming. Some days it is chilly, some days hot, some days breezy, some days raining. I always return from the walk glad that we took it. While sometimes it's rough to get going, the walk itself is always great. Sometimes I run into neighbors, and we chat. Sometimes our walks coincide. I make Molly sit when cars come by (in anticipation of her one day getting loose and needing this "come-and-sit" obedience), and the local travelers appear to have gotten used to this.

Mark used to ask me to come along on his Sadie walks. Now and then I did, but I'll bet in eight years I can count those times on two hands. While I still don't believe that any change in our past would have turned Mark into a "I'll stand by your side through storm and illness" type of guy, I do think that, had I said yes, and we had walked every day, this might have given us the opportunity to share our frustrations and dreams, and perhaps he might even have opened up and blurted "I'm unhappy."

Maybe yes. Maybe no. I reflect upon it simply so that I can keep it in mind for the next time around, should there ever be one with another person.

There were always reasons for not joining him. When I worked at IC, there were limited hours to get up, get showered, dressed, and take care of the cats. I could have gotten up earlier, but I chose not to. Once I had my "career job" I was leaping on the computer in the morning to catch up.

I assumed there would be times in the future for walks. I was wrong.

After Mark walked out, I used to stand under the stars at night in the road, as I did my late-night cat check, and think "You know, he never was out here to stare at these stars, and hasn't fallen in love with this place like I have."

But now, having gone for these dog walks, I realize that he had a different connection that I never had myself, walking along our road each and every day. He had that connection but gave it up anyway. So I guess I need to give that one up as an answer, and also need to surrender my conceit that I knew our environment better than he did. I didn't. He walked daily, mowed the fields, etc. etc. He knew what he was walking away from probably better than I knew what I was keeping when I stayed.

So, with my lesson learned, I want to pass it onto my friends.

If you are sitting there in your daily life, realizing that you probably haven't spent as much time with your spouse as you ought to but "damn, I'm really busy, and he/she knows this, and there will be time in a few months, and I know he/she would tell me if they were unhappy..." well, don't count on it. If you have any regrets at all that perhaps you aren't being the partner and friend you ought to be, I suggest you reflect on that feeling now, rather than later. There may not be a later. I thought Mark was surely the kind of guy who would say "This is a problem...this needs to change." You may be similarly certain.

You may be right. Or, we both could be wrong. Why put things off the way I did?

Again, I'm not certain that this would have made any difference at all with my past relationship. I expect that at the end it would not have, but maybe, five years ago? Who knows, and it's too late anyway.

FILE: under "Lessons learned."

STATUS: enjoying my newly mown and raked lawn, on a gorgeous sunny Sunday.